Do you ever feel like hanging this sign around your neck and calling it a day?
I mean, I've gotten used to those days that I just don't feel like doing much, and I do have more of those than I would care to admit! But recently it was something different....something deeper.
Being constantly aware with my ongoing fight against depression, I tend to have a more critical eye when it comes to analyzing what I am feeling. I've experienced it enough times to be hyper-critical as to not miss the signs of an onset. That wasn't it.
As I worked through my thoughts and feelings, I discovered I had a tape playing in my head, and it was on constant repeat: "You're not good enough." "You're doing it all wrong." "You're not doing enough." I was under a constant barrage all day long. No matter what task I was working on, the voice kept badgering me.
I finally identified the feeling that was different. It was failure.
The voice was right. I'm lousy at housekeeping, my husband is doing all the laundry, I couldn't put two thoughts together to write an interesting blog post, my kids need more spiritual guidance, I am not praying enough, God wants more from me, my kids need more discipline and structure, our finances are a mess and I'm never going to be able to change, my husband wants more intimacy, I need to volunteer more at church, the dog needs more attention
OUT OF ORDER!
Have you been there? Has there been a voice inside your head grow louder and louder until you can no longer hear the true voice of God? Because God doesn't cast shame or guilt upon us. Do you need to read that last sentence again? God's voice whispers words of love, acceptance and encouragement. Perhaps today we need to sit still in the quiet for just a few moments and ask God to push STOP on that tape of lies that is running through our heads.
All of those character flaws written above that I struggle with may still be there, and through God's strength I will continue to work to conquer them, but they DO NOT define me as a failure. As the tape continued to play through my mind, the lies got bolder and louder. But as I take time to analyze the recording, I see that through the grace of God, each and every day, the blessings around me abound. My husband loves serving me, my girls are beautiful and healthy, we all love the Lord, and the dog is fine.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. I Peter 5:10